Regrets

In the last week I've had the opportunity to reflect on my career so far and lessons I've learned. I've been with my present employer for almost 8 years. I started with them straight out of college so it's really all I know about the real working world.. and looking back now, I can see where the train started to come off the tracks.

January 2003, I was in Dallas doing LiDAR support and I worked 103 hours in a week.

April, 2007, I paid a developer $800 out of my own pocket to write an application that saved the company (literally) $50,000.

December 2010, I pay $40 out of my own pocket to have a cake made to celebrate the super secret new company logo. I'm told the cake can't be served (after the fucking announcement!) and that I have to scrape the logo off.. if I wanted to share it with employees.

There's a lot of static in between those dates... lot's of days where I stayed at work until 11pm and lot's of mornings where I rolled in a little late and got snarky comments from my boss.. but it's clear to me, where the dwnfall came from.

In my eight years with this company, I did a horrible.. and I mean it, horrible job of drawing boundaries. For me, work wasn't about clocking in and out.. it was about winning. It was about being efficient and dedicated, and getting it right. I embraced my blackberry, I argued to get it.. and I answered phone calls on the weekends and was excited to talk with the crew on a day that began with the letter S.

At the same time.. I looked at the people who came in at "7:30" and left at "4:30" as slackers. I wondered how it was possible that they punched in and out and left their work problems sitting on their desk in the afternoon. I couldn't do that.. I failed miserably at it and I found it to be a point of contention between me and them.

I can't tell you the number of times, in the last eight years, I raced my car to FedEX at 8:45pm, trying to beat the 9 o'clock deadline. The crew needed a cable, they were dead in the water without it.. and I had it my hand. The only option is to get it there.. and I did. I did, at the cost of dinners with my wife and movie date nights and rounds of golf.. I got it there. And not once did I hear a "good job" or a "thank you." I'm not a fucking kid.. this isn't 3rd grade.. I get that, but I wanted acknowledgment and I didn't get it and I fucking resented it.

And yet.. I didn't draw the line. I continued.. thinking at some point, this massive check I was writing would be cashed and my dedication would be acknowledged.

I think, in the end, my biggest regret is not that I gave all that time and energy to a futile cause.. my regret is that it didn't pay off. If I had it all to do over again, I would.. I'm just that way. I can't understand half measures. I can't understand punching in and punching out and for the life of me, I can't understand why all my hard work didn't pay off. But it didn't.

All I can think is that I must not have given enough. That maybe I could have stuck it out longer.. and then, right around the bend.. it would have worked out.. but I don't know that that's true. Working for someone else is a giant machine of suck , and I have to remind myself of that. Eight years is a long time.. and I'm ready to move on. I just wish I could have gotten it right.